gru:Bz

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to get on the right medications to bring my anxiety levels from a blood curdling scream to a dull whimper. I think I’ve got it mostly squared away at this point in my life.

The circular thinking and stressing over things I shouldn’t care about are pretty much gone, but then there’s the issue of actual anxiety. The kind you’re supposed to feel when something’s wrong - like when you’re in physical danger or when you fuck something up so bad you know the only option is to stand up and face the music.

I’ve spent so much of my life trying to numb this stuff that it’s kind of a shocker when there’s actually something to stress about. I hate it so much my first instinct is always to do whatever I can to shut it down. That usually means drinking too much and breathing in more nicotine than oxygen for a night or two. I gotta work on that.

It’s bittersweet though. The sweet part is that I realize why I have anxiety and I’ve finally come to terms with it, and I’ve been prescribed the right medications to keep it in check. The bitter part is realizing anxiety and fear are normal, essential parts of being alive. You wouldn’t really be living if you didn’t feel that way sometimes.

I’ve never done much in the way of web hosting or development. I ran a more “professional” tech blog a long time ago, but that’s about as far into it as I got. I’ve never messed around with SQL, PHP, SSL certificates or different DNS configurations. I just ran a Wordpress site on Hostgator during the Web 2.0 days. Digg.com was still where you went to updoot links and Reddit was just a weird back alley of the internet back then. Crypto still referred to actual cryptography and not some kind of shitty Kohl’s Cash on a blockchain.

The landscape has changed.

…or maybe it hasn’t. Like I said, I have no fucking idea what I’m doing.

I set up a shared hosting plan on Namecheap because that’s where my domains are. It was something like $24 for the first year so I figured what the hell. Initially, I just wanted it to host media and fonts but on second thought, I don’t really care about all that. I don’t host any photos or videos and I’m just using Google Fonts for now. But there’s so much you can do with your own little server. I set up an ownCloud instance and that was pretty cool. You can set up your own RSS services, different blogging software if you want to self-host, your own forum, or even Python scripts. It’s nice to know you can host whatever you want if Big Tech alternatives aren’t working for you.

My path of destruction

First, I went on a SSL certificate rampage. I kept installing them to the wrong place and screwed up a bunch of configurations. They were multiplying like cockroaches and I had no idea how to set them up right or even get rid of them. Private Relay and Firefox both prevented me from continuing to my shady looking unsecured websites. Needless to say, I spent a little while talking to tech support.

For a minute there, I felt like a fucking idiot. I was about ready to rage quit and get a refund like some kind of cyber Karen. Then I realized this shit is not easy and there’s a learning curve, whether I like it or not. You can’t just dive in head first and start twisting knobs and mashing buttons and expect everything to go off without a hitch.

I saw the light

But all of this made me realize something: server admins are drastically underappreciated. All you have to do is type in a cute little web address and it brings you to Mastodon or Pixelfed, or maybe to Peertube. Even platforms like Micro.blog and Bear are ran by actual people who simply love being a part of the open web. They put in a lot of work to give us cool things that are free of ads and invasive tracking junk.

If you use anything run by a real person, donate when you can afford it. They deal with a lot of fucking headaches for minimal rewards other than bragging rights and a sense of accomplishment. I couldn’t even figure out how to do some of the most basic things without spending days breaking stuff and falling into rabbit holes of information I didn’t think would matter.

I still have a passion to learn, just at a more realistic pace. And with more appreciation for the people who are constantly building and improving this magical worldwide network. Thank you <3

A lot of my posts have covered stuff I don’t ever have the time of day to talk about. I work too much and almost all of my coworkers are conservative boomers. I don’t talk to most of them much but every once in a while I’ll have to share a store with some of them. Sometimes they give me random phone calls. Luckily I have the option of just not picking up the phone.

I just don’t relate with the people I have to interact with on the regular. I mean we aren’t having heavy political conversations 24/7 but it just doesn’t feel comfortable being around people who you know are the polar opposite of who you are.

I feel like being able to write about the stuff I never get to talk about is a healthy counterweight to that. I’m not a great writer, I know a lot of the stuff I write won’t be read for weeks, or possibly ever. Some of it might be boring or come across cheesy. Sometimes I cover really broad, uninteresting things.

But it has had the unexpected effect of making me feel more valid as a person. It feels odd saying that, but it’s true.

Maybe it’s because I haven’t had a hobby I can get lost in for too long. Making the rounds in different indie web neighborhoods, learning little bits of CSS and bringing my vision to life one piece at a time does a pretty good job at keeping me from getting bored and letting my mind wander to stress. Then when I’m done with that for a while I can write some more. Sometimes I’m proud of it, sometimes I delete it after a couple hours.

It feels… healthier than doomscrolling. I prefer this over traditional social media because of the ownership and freedom, and the fact that I sort of get to whisper what I’m saying rather than blasting it over a megaphone and putting myself on stage in front of an audience riding algorithmic dopamine waves.

I’ve spent the last month blogging and surfing the indie web. It’s still so new to me I can’t shut the fuck up about it. You’ll have to excuse me, because before that, I spent a lot of time scrolling Reddit, YouTube, TikTok, big news publications, listening to big commercial podcasts and watching tv.

I’ve been on Mastodon for a few years and Lemmy for the last year or two. Those two sites were really my only exposure to the indie web, and even then most of the stuff being shared is the same stuff you’d find on Twitter or Reddit, bar crypto currency nonsense and other celebrity techbro junk.

Since starting this whole blogging thing, I’ve noticed something that doesn’t really change across all the personal blogs I’ve been reading.

No one’s trying to sell me anything.

If someone talks about a product they like, there’s no affiliate link. If I come across a post full of blogging tips or how to do something with CSS, no one’s trying to sell me their e-book or master course. There are no banner ads, or pop-ups or cookie consent forms sliding up from the bottom of the page to obscure the thing I was just in the middle of reading.

It’s been nice. This is the internet I want to participate in.

It only works like this as long as there are people doing something they love because they actually love it. Not because they want to be the next Arianna Huffington or turn their website into the next TechCrunch. Not because they want to build a business, but because it brings them joy, and it’s something they can be proud of. And the longer you do it, the more you start to build a little network of other bloggers you vibe with and you find better, smaller, non-commercial alternatives to a lot of the big commercial websites and news outlets.

I don’t mind a tip jar. Tip jars are nice. They just sit there, out of the way. Unobtrusive. I’ve never seen a ko-fi link slide in from the left and lock an article behind a paywall until I sign up for a recurring $30 donation every month.

I think you should donate to creators you love. If someone’s selling something they made, or some art, or music you should buy it if you like it. Plenty of these blogs and social media accounts offer this stuff but they aren’t spamming you with it to try and maximize profit at all costs. I like that.

Maybe I could have chosen a better title, I dunno. I think it’s awesome if you can make money doing something you love. Just don’t be obnoxious about it. Oh and support small creators <3