I had a pre-owned Switch Lite from GameStop for about four years before I finally decided it was time to splurge and treat myself to an upgrade.

So I bought a refurbished Switch OLED straight from Nintendo this past February. The screen is fucking beautiful, the battery lasts at least three times longer than the busted old Lite’s battery did. The ability to play on a bigger screen and with an actual controller made it feel like an entirely different gaming system from what I had been used to for so long.

It was fucking awesome!

Then it randomly quit charging after about two weeks, so I had to buy some bubble wrap and a little cardboard box from the post office and then pay to ship it out to Nintendo’s only office in the country, all the way in California.

After about two more weeks, I finally got it back and had to reinstall all my games over the course of the next couple of days.

I gave them the benefit of the doubt; it’s refurbished so I didn’t expect it to be perfect. Even though they only discounted it $30 from the price of a brand new one. Why the fuck didn’t I just go with a new one? No idea.

So another day or two goes by and suddenly my right Joy Con keeps disconnecting while I’m playing it in portable mode. I looked into it and apparently this is something that’s been a problem since the original Switch launched the better part of a decade ago. I tried every recommendation I saw online; I cleaned the contacts with a Q-tip and rubbing alcohol, quit charging it with the Joy Cons attached, un-paired and then re-paired them, took the right one off and put it on the left side and put the left on the right before switching them back to where they go. I would’ve drawn a pentagram on the floor in goat blood, picked up some black candles and started reading from the Necronomicon in reverse if I thought it would help.

Buuuut I got nothing.

They work perfectly fine when I use them on the normal controller adapter thing and when I use them separated with the little plastic rails for two-handed mode. So that tells me it’s yet another issue with the console itself.

I’m not even screwing around with sending the fucking thing across the country and back again. I got a dud and that’s my lesson in buying overpriced refurbished trash.

I think I’ll just stick with my cheap R36S handheld emulator for a while. They’re shit too, but at least when it inevitably breaks I can just get a new one for $20.

And there’s something that feels extra special and nostalgic about pirating thousands upon thousands of old Nintendo games, especially when they’re about to start charging $80 for the new ones.

We’re about to be in Great Depression territory before too long anyway, so I might as well get comfortable making do with what I can, ya know?

My Switch Lite has been rained on, thrown across the room and down the stairs, I’ve dropped it a million times, stuffed it into a full backpack with no case for weeks at a time…

It’s been to hell and back and I’ve never had a single issue with it aside from the infamous stick drift.

I also feel extra dumb for buying a broken OLED version just months before the Switch 2 comes out for almost the same price.

Refurbished electronics are just not worth the tiny discount you get for being dumb enough to unload them from greedy manufacturers.

Like N*SYNC, Kid Rock, and the Simpsons, Nintendo definitely peaked in the 90’s.

Annnd thanks for coming to my TED Talk 🤪